By DYLAN GOWAN.
Jurassic World, just one of many reboots to grace our screens, came out last week. It’s doing fairly well, too. So, this got me thinking…what should they reboot next?
Reboots, remakes and sequels . These are the bread and butter of the Hollywood movie making machine. We go and see them in our droves…or at least that is what the studios hope for.
Last week, Jurassic World came out and the world went mental. This is just one of many film franchises to be rebooted in recent times, joining the ranks of Spiderman (which is about to be rebooted again), Mad Max, Ghostbusters, Godzilla, Terminator, Superman, Robocop, Poltergeist, et cetera, et cetera.
So all this rebooting business got me thinking – what should they reboot, remake or follow up on next?
After many a day spent brainstorming and hypothesising, I think I have come up with ten rock solids pitches to take to the Hollywood big wigs.
Brace yourselves, I’m about to reveal my genius.
#1. The Wizard of Oz
Original: “Dorothy Gale is swept away to a magical land in a tornado and embarks on a quest to see the Wizard who can help her return home.” – IMDB
Reboot: No longer is Dorothy an innocent farm girl from rural Kansas. Oh hell no. Now she is a hard-edged rookie cop on a mission to take down the biggest drug lord in town, known as ‘The Wizard.’ The Wizard has been dishing out a new drug called Emerald, which has made Dorothy’s three best friends think they are a scarecrow, a robot, and a lion respectively. Dorothy, along with her massive rottweiler Toto, won’t stop until The Wizard is ding-dong-dead.
#2. She’s the Man
Original: “When her brother decides to ditch for a couple weeks in London, Viola heads over to his elite boarding school, disguises herself as him, and proceeds to fall for one of her soccer teammates. Little does she realise, she’s not the only one with romantic troubles, as she, as he, gets in the middle of a series of intermingled love affairs.” – IMDB
Reboot: It’s ten years later and Viola’s brother has managed to somehow become President of the United States, but decides to ditch for a couple of weeks in London. So Viola heads on over to The White House, disguises herself as him and one day at the G8 summit falls for the Prime Minister of England. Little does she realise she’s not the only one with romantic troubles, as she, as he, gets in the middle of a series of intermingled love affairs between the world’s leaders.
Original: “Two imprisoned men bond over a number of years, finding solace and eventual redemption through acts of common decency.” – IMDB
Reboot: Yes, The Shawshank Redemption is a classic, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be made better. So, how do we make it better? Superheroes. After having been imprisoned for many years Andy Dufresne and fellow inmate Red are both visited by aliens from Intergalactic Nebula P332, who have been watching from outer space and sympathise with their plight. Upon being blasted with a special ray, Andy and Red wake up one morning to find they have been blessed with indestructibility and super strength. The warden is going down.
Original: “A seventeen-year-old aristocrat falls in love with a kind, but poor artist aboard the luxurious, ill-fated R.M.S. Titanic.” – IMDB
Reboot: A seventeen-year-old aristocrat falls in love with a kind but poor artist aboard the luxurious, ill-fated R.M.S. Titanic – except the Titanic is a space ship and the whole movie is set in space and instead of an iceberg, they crash into a big giant ball of space crap and instead of Leonardo DiCaprio, it’s Eddie Murphy.
Original: “A rejected hockey player (Adam Sandler) puts his skills to the golf course to save his grandmother’s house.” – IMDB
Reboot: A rejected hockey player (Jonah Hill) puts his skills to the golf course to save his grandmother’s house.
Original: “Identical twins, separated at birth and each raised by one of their biological parents, discover each other for the first time at summer camp and make a plan to bring their wayward parents back together.” – IMDB
Reboot: I gather that it has been 16 years since they last remade The Parent Trap with Lindsay Lohan. I think it is time again. Except to make it more modern, maybe the twins could like meet up on Facebook and like catfish their parents or something.
Original: “Cady Heron is a hit with The Plastics, the A-list girl clique at her new school, until she makes the mistake of falling for Aaron Samuels, the ex-boyfriend of alpha Plastic Regina George.” – IMDB
Reboot: Make exactly the same movie but just set it in an office, or maybe a rest home. It will be a hit.
Original: “A thirtysomething slacker suspects his parents of setting him up with his dream girl so he’ll finally vacate their home.” – IMDB
Reboot: Failure to Launch, ironically, failed to launch. I haven’t seen it, but I don’t need to to say this: It’s bad. But maybe if they just scrapped everything and made it like a movie about a potato gun manufacturer and his struggles in inventing the first potato gun, it would be a better movie. They could even have a love interest to keep it a rom-com.
Original: “A frustrated writer struggles to keep his family alive when a series of global catastrophes threatens to annihilate mankind.” – IMDB
Reboot: It’s 2015. Obviously the world didn’t end. So for the reboot you still have it set in 2012 but this time John Cusack is just some delusional conspiracy theorist while his whole family looks on with annoyance. Alternatively, they could get real arthousy and just show a film that depicts normal life in 2012 in real time, yes a 537,400 minute long movie.
Original: “A teenage girl risks everything when she falls in love with a vampire.” – IMDB
Reboot: A teenage vampire risks everything when she falls in love with a very pale human.
And there we have it. Hollywood, my agent awaits your call.