By DYLAN GOWAN.

 

The films of Jared Hess are not just awesomely awkward laugh riots, they are also filled to the brim with important life lessons.

I have proven this once before with Napoleon Dynamite. So for this week’s State of the Screen I am going to share with you ten crucial, life-changing lessons that can be gleaned from Nacho Libre, the Jack Black comedy vehicle about a catholic brother turned lucha libre luchador.

I also request that you play Forbidden Nectar by Jack Black as you read through this list. It will aid the absorption of these powerful lessons into your mind.

 

#1. Everything is better with chips

Chips are a true gift from above. I cannot imagine a world where we did not have chips. A world without chips would be horrifically drab and boring. People would be like “Ah, what is it that we are missing?” and ponder what would make life better. But with chips they are like “Ah, chips make life worth living!”

 

#2. Toast is a brilliant matchmaker

So let’s say there is this girl or guy that you quite fancy and you’re like “I quite fancy Rowena, I’d really like to ask her out, but how?!?!?!?” It’s quite simple really, just invite them round for a nice slice of fresh toast. Everybody loves toast! But you might want to check if they’re gluten free and if they are get some nice Vogel’s or something.

 

#3. Make sure your salad game is on point

Salad is typically a very nutritious meal, but it can be a little boring. In order to make that bowl of salad sexy don’t be afraid to play around with it. Maybe you could make a snowman out of some tomatoes and eggs, or a re-creation of the moon landing from a whole iceberg lettuce leaf and some mushrooms. However, if all else fails see life lesson number one.

 

#4. Corn on a stick doesn’t solve everything, but it can make a good weapon

I realise that the first four life lessons are food related, but hey food is an important part of any good life! And this lesson is particularly important. I’m sure you are much like me and can regularly be found clutching a fresh corn cob on a stick, but just remember that corn on a stick is not a miracle cure for whatever challenge you are facing. However, always have some on hand, it makes a brilliant weapon and can instantly incapacitate your enemies.

 

#5. The importance of self-presentation

While it is true that it is what’s on the inside that counts, the way you present yourself can be critical to your success. No matter what your goal, if you want to make an impression don’t be afraid to don a nice turquoise sweater, some sparkling white slacks and a nice pair of white leather boots with just a little bit of a heel.

 

#6. Don’t be afraid to show off your physique

You’ve worked hard for that devilishly good looking body, so don’t be afraid to show off your rippling biceps and tight glutes, but do so modestly, I recommend wearing the previously mentioned wardrobe to truly show off those rock hard muscles.

 

#7. Let everything you do be noble

Don’t just do something for the fame and glory. The pursuit of fame for fame’s sake is the equivalent of a dog chasing its tail – pointless and leaves you a fool, a fool I tell you! Stand by your convictions, causes and beliefs and let everything you do further them.

 

#8. Letter etiquette

Letter etiquette is such an overlooked topic in this digital age. We have all become so reliant on those silly little emoji, but what about when you want to convey affection in the pristine physical medium of the handwritten letter? Xs and Os. Remember to end every letter with lots of Xs and Os, both big and small. Then your suitor will be sure of your love.

 

#9. Be resourceful

I too often hear complaints such as “I want to fly to space but I don’t have a rocket ship!” or “I want to dress as Barney the Dinosaur every Wednesday afternoon but the nearest costume shop is over 72 hours away!” Every time I hear these complaints I tell the complainer the same thing: “Make it yourself for Pete’s sake!” You want to make a rocket ship? Siphon some fuel from cars in your nearest car park, strap a car to the side of a water tank filled with said fuel, light a wick and you are away! Want a Barney Costume? Tear up your mother’s beautiful purple and green felt curtains and get sewing! Ignacio didn’t let a lack of money stop him from having a mean as costume.

 

#10. Fake it till you make it

This is the most important lesson of them all. So you want to be a traffic cone but don’t know how? Fake it till you make it. You want to be a sugar cube landscaper but don’t know how? Fake it till you make it. Or maybe you want to be the next big luchador? Fake. It. Till. You. Make. It.

 

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