By DYLAN GOWAN.

The year was 2002. I was nine. I saw a trailer for this movie called Swimfan. For some reason I have held onto this memory for years.

The year is 2015. A local video shop is having a closing down sale. In their thriller section I spy a DVD with Swimfan written on it. I quickly snap it up.

Last week I watched said DVD.

I may have witnessed the worst movie I have ever seen.

I’m not joking either. This movie is straight up terrible.

Before I beat it into the ground, I’ll tell you what Swimfan is all about. It’s pretty simple, really. We have the all-American guy (his name is Ben) who has got it all – lots of friends, a beautiful girlfriend, dashing good looks – and is a sure thing to get a full-ride swimming scholarship to Stanford.

But then he goes and gets his freak on with some girl (her name is Madison) in a swimming pool and everything comes crumbling apart because this girl is, well, straight-up 2007 Britney Spears crazy and will stop at nothing to make sure they end up together.

Which leads nicely into the first of many flaws: the main character.

Ben is a douche. He cheated on his perfect girlfriend and then we are meant to feel sorry for him when all this stuff starts happening. There is nothing redeeming about this guy. He just strikes me as a typical Richard who always gets away with stuff which – spoiler – he does.

Then Madison goes and starts hurting innocent people is his life, which makes you hate him even more.

Now to the dialogue. Oh, the dialogue. To illustrate how terrible it is, I am going to simply quote the movie verbatim. “I just had to get out of there it’s so stifling!”, “But I’m not ready to say good night.”, “Is it hot in here or is it just me?” These were said in all seriousness with no hint of irony.

And the cliches don’t end with the dialogue.

We have the typical jocky losers, the typical tough, under-developed coach, and a nice ‘meet cute’ with Madison at her locker, which – shocker – she can’t unlock!

Madison even has a photo of Ben that she has pasted her self onto! HAHAHAHA.

But the best part is when Ben almost accidentally runs her down in his car. You see, Ben is driving along and sees a woman from behind that looks a lot like Madison. He takes his eyes off the road and focuses on this woman only to realise, of course, that it is not Madison.

At this point I half jokingly thought he’s probably going to almost hit the real Madison while he checks out this other woman.

Sadly, that is exactly what happened next.

Haven’t been turned off the movie yet? Let’s see what else is wrong.

Oh yes, this movie is as predictable as an episode of Shortland Street – very.

Oh! He has to take a urine sample. I bet that doesn’t come back positive.

Hey! Did you give the man at the hospital the right pills Ben? What? He’s coding!

Wait! Why are you showing us an awkward shot of Ben’s trophies, Mr. Director? Let me guess, Madison is going to use one as a weapon? What do you know!

Then there are some little issues with the plot.

Like, wouldn’t Ben notice his dead friend’s body floating in a pool before he hopped in for a swim?

And wouldn’t the police be smart enough to cuff Madison from behind so she can’t murder them both and get away?

Also, why decide to have your final showdown at a pool, Madison when you can’t swim and the other guy is a champion swimmer? Did you not think there was a little chance you might end up drowning?

Now, I know any good review is balanced, but there really isn’t anything positive to say about Swimfan.

Wait, that’s not entirely true. It’s really short. So it’s got that going for it.

Anyway just stay away from this movie. Unless you want something to hate-watch, in which case Swimfan is ideal.

Hey that’s two positives!

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