By DYLAN GOWAN.

Dylan has found a new career that he loves; life coach, giving words of wisdom to the biggest names in Hollywood. Being the compassionate soul that he is, he has decided to share his wisdom to the world through Twitter and once more try to win the internet. Will the Twitter-sphere accept his words of wisdom with a warm, loving embrace? Or once again reject him like the other heartless peons of the internet? We shall see.

As you all know, it has been a tough few months for me. Attempt after attempt after attempt to win the internet has only resulted in more heartbreak and misery.

I haven’t told anyone this, but each time I failed, I locked myself in a cupboard for a few days and sobbed the entire time, longing for the internet fame and stardom I so desperately craved.

I know this isn’t particularly healthy, but it wasn’t until my close friend Snoop Lion* (have I mentioned how close we are?) came by and told me straight up that it sunk in.

“This isn’t healthy D-Dogg, yo,” he said.

“Here, read this dope book. I haven’t ever read it. I mean, I’m Snoop Lion. Success follows me round like a bad smell. But I think it might be just what you need.”

It was a copy of Tony Robbins’ Awaken the Giant Within: How to Take Immediate Control of Your Mental, Emotional, Physical and Financial Destiny.

I took hold of it and didn’t leave my cupboard until I had devoured it completely.

It was mesmerising.

As soon as I had finished it, I was ready to take control of my life.

But I also thought that I could do a lot better than this Tony Robbins character and so decided to become a life coach. I packed up my bags and booked the next plane ticket to Los Angeles, home of the stars.

No one laps up life advice more than celebrities. There must be more than five life coaches per block out here.

So I set up shop and even though it is a crowded market, my business has flourished. Everyone from Sylvester Stallone* to James Franco* have come to me seeking advice. I have even purchased some of those street bench billboards that Americans seem to love so much.

Even though things have been going super well for me out here, I have never forgotten my original mission: To win the internet.

So, I decided to make one more attempt and see what happened. I setup a Twitter account and for a few weeks Tweeted a piece of life advice daily (okay, not daily) for the universe to enjoy. Here are a few of my favorites:

Stole this one from The Brady Bunch Movie.

Very practical advice.

So very, very true.

I really did think that I was going to blow up on Twitter. That everyone would love my sage advice.

But it seems I was wrong once again.

I only have eight followers. One of them is this very magazine/website thing I’m writing for. One is a fellow writer. The others seem to just follow me because they want me to follow them back.

I just don’t understand why the internet rejects me so. No matter what I do they seem to ignore me. It’s like I’m Leonardo DiCaprio at the Oscars.

As you know, in the past this would have set me on a spiral of self pity. But not any more. I’m a new man now. I’m confident in myself and I know that the sun will come out tomorrow.

So, I have decided to put my goal of winning the internet on hold. I might come back to it in a year, five years, ten years, or I may not return to it at all. The internet has bested me, but that is okay. My strengths lie elsewhere and for now I am just going to keep giving advice to celebrities and swimming in the pool of money that I recently have installed because I am so successful.

YOU CAN SUCK IT, INTERNET!

Peace out.

*I haven’t really met them. Please don’t sue for defamation. K? Who am I kidding. They are never going to see this.

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