By DYLAN GOWAN.

Dylan, not one to give up easily, once again tries to take the internet and make it his. This time, like a new kid at high school, he tries to win over the cool kids at Tumblr.

Let’s face it people, my last attempt to win this thing that I like to call the internet was a complete and utter train wreck. I see it now. I shouldn’t have tried to make a rap video, although it took me a while to realise that.

I spoke with my close friend Snoop Lion and got him to watch the video soon after everything went down. He was harsh in his criticism and I did not take it well. I suppose you could say I went on a bit of a ‘rampage’. I was furious! I stormed out of the building and smashed every traffic light in a 10 km radius, stacked 16 cars on top of each other, climbed to the top of a skyscraper, snapped the antenna off the top of it and started a high speed car chase! Now, Snoop would tell you that as I was storming out I hit my head on a pole and lay unconscious for two straight days. Don’t listen to him, I know what I did.

As night approached, I was getting so tired from all the smashing and car chasing that I couldn’t go on any longer. Lo and behold, before me, like an angel reaching out his hand from the heavens above, the light from a sandwich shop spilled out on to the pavement below. As you may have guessed from my rap, I love sandwiches. I was mesmerised as I followed the smell of freshly baked bread and deli meats.

I sat down at a table and didn’t move from it for a good four and a half days. I enjoyed beautiful beef sandwiches, chicken sandwiches, seafood sandwiches, meatball sandwiches, curry sandwiches, corn sandwiches, frozen mixed vegetable sandwiches. It was all so wonderful. It made me realise that Snoop was right and that if I wanted to rap, I had a long way to go.

As I sat there enjoying my sandwiches, I began to feel inspired to take on the internet and try to win it once more. I began to contemplate what I could take on next.

I got bored of doing that and instead pulled out my phone and started to peruse Tumblr.

I was looking at a blog that featured some exquisite pictures of food when it occurred to me. “I’ll start a photo blog dedicated to sandwiches! Everyone loves sandwiches! THIS WILL GO DOWN A TREAT!”

I thought I was keeping all of this to myself, but I was actually yelling it in the middle of the sandwich shop. It was very uncomfortable and I quickly left to get started on my blog.

For those of you who are not in the know like me, which, let’s be honest, is probably all of you, Tumblr is a microblogging platform founded in 2007 by a man named David Knarp that was sold to Yahoo for $1.1 billion in 2013. It now hosts over 216.9 million blogs which cover a whole variety of topics from fashion to Pokémon. It’s all on Tumblr.

So I hopped on to Tumblr and set up my account. While I was setting it up, it asked me what I wanted my username to be, but said not to worry because I could always change it later. I panicked. What should my username be? Sandwich man? Sandwich lad? Sandwiches_are_awesome_sauce? Ilovesandwich_Ilovesandwich? THERE WERE TOO MANY POSSIBILITIES!

I decided to go with the first idea that came to mind: sandwichessandwichessandwiches. Was it long? Yes. Was it hard to read? Yes. Was it taken? No. I have no idea why.

Now I needed a tagline. Who knew it took so much effort to set up a Tumblr blog. I settled on ‘Lots and lots of sandwiches. No burgers.’ Burgers are not a type of sandwich. Whoever says they are is an idiot.

Finally my blog was all ready to go. I found some beautiful pictures of sandwiches and decided I had better give them some hashtags such as #delicious #yes and #sandwich so that I would fit in with the cool hipster Tumblr crowd.

Over the next week I’m going to try and assimilate into the culture by following some other Tumblites, reblogging some of their photos and posting others that I find. Hopefully, if all goes well, I will conquer Tumblr!

Check out Dylan’s Tumblr blog here.

It’s a week later, guys, and I have barely made a ripple in the Tumblr pond. Some of you might say “It has only been a week, of course you haven’t! Besides, who is going to follow a blog that just posts pictures of sandwiches anyway? Sandwiches are so 2005.”

To you, I say SILENCE. I’m hip. I’m cool. I know what the kids are into, OKAY! They like the Olsen twins and Digimon! SEE! I KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT! I am going to come back next month like Bruce Willis, with a vengeance. I am going to conquer this thing once and for all! #idontknowwhatiamdoing.

Will he? If I were a betting man I wouldn’t count on it. Come back next time to find out!

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