By DYLAN GOWAN.

 

Bob’s Burgers is one of the funniest animated series on television right now, and the good news is that a brand spanking new season is out, at 8pm on FOUR.

The centre point of Bob’s Burgers is of course Bob’s Burgers, the Belcher family’s fairly unprofitable burger joint that is both a dream come true and a continual nightmare.

If only it weren’t for that blasted Jimmy Pesto, things could be so much different.

The new season got me thinking, what would be the better burger joint to visit: Bob’s Burgers? Or would it be the other big name in fictional cartoon burger restaurants, the Krusty Krab?

So, I have taken it upon myself to determine, in a completely thorough and scientific way, which restaurant is indeed the best.

I have come up with four categories in which each restaurant can receive a score between one and ten. These categories are: food quality & menu variety, customer service, décor & ambience, and finally, hygiene.

So without further ado, let’s find out which restaurant you should visit first when they undoubtedly set up shop in a VR headset near you.

 

Criterion #1: Food quality and menu variety

Krusty Krab:

You might think the only thing the Krusty Krab sells is the Krabby Patty, but you would be ver,y very wrong. As it turns out, the Krusty Krab has an ever-changing and evolving menu of all sorts of underwater delicacies.

When it comes to burgers, there’s something for everyone. There’s the original Krabby Patty, the Double Patty Patty, the Krabby Junior Junior and Jumbo Patty Super Jumbo, among a variety of other options.

If you’re not in the mood for a burger, you could get some coral bits, kelp rings, a seaweed salad, or even a salty sea dog.

They all sound so delicious.

And it would seem all of the food is generally pretty tasty. The Krusty Krab is the most popular restaurant in Bikini Bottom, and that’s all thanks to its top secret recipe for the Krabby Patty. Even King Neptune sings the Krabs’ praises!

Score: 8/10 – The Krusty Krab do what they do well, but the menu could do with a bit of jazzing up.

Bob’s Burgers:

Bob’s Burgers’ menu is a little simpler. It consists of the regular burger and the special burger, as well as the option of adding cheese for 50 cents.

However, their saving grace is the ever-changing burger of the day – a special burger for that day only, where the name is always some kind of pun or pop culture reference.

Burgers in the past have included the ‘Krauted House Burger’ (a reference to the band Crowded House), ‘Hit Me With Your Best Shallot Burger’ (after the Pat Benetar song), ‘If Looks Could Kale Burger’ (a play on the saying ‘if looks could kill’), and the ‘Tarragon in Sixty Seconds Burger’ (after the Nicholas Cage movie ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’.) So much fun!

Score: 7/10 – The burgers sound great, but it would be good if there were more than two to choose from.

 

Criterion #2: Customer service

Krusty Krab:

You go to the Krusty Krab for the food. You definitely don’t go for the service. Squidward is not exactly known to go out of his way to make the customer feel welcome. In fact, he would it if prefer you didn’t bother him at all. Even the owner Mr Krabs sometimes mistreats the customers. However, if you are lucky enough to be served by Spongebob, you can guarantee a good experience.

Score: 3/10 – The Krusty Krab has a lot of work to do here. Thank goodness for Spongebob.

Bob’s Burgers:

Walking into Bob’s Burgers, you are likely to be served by Linda, Bob’s wife. Linda is a lovely woman with quite the outgoing personality. She will aim to make you feel at home, although sometimes she can be a bit much.

There is also the possibility that you will be served by one of their three children: Tina, Gene, or Louise. They may make you feel a tad uncomfortable, especially Tina.

Score: 6/10 – They take the idea of a ‘family restaurant’ a bit too far, but otherwise customer service is pretty good.

Criterion #3: Décor and ambience

Krusty Krab:

The décor of the Krusty Krab is very unique. They embrace their underwater location and have taken on a nautical theme, with ship wheel tables, wooden barrel seats and a small boat which acts as the cashier’s station. While a little tacky, what can I say? It works.

In terms of ambience, it’s the same as any fast food restaurant – fairly free of ambience. Also, sometimes one of the staff will make a ruckus in the dining area, which is kind of unpleasant.

Score: 5/10 – The nautical theme is great, the ambience not so much.

Bob’s Burgers:

Bob’s Burgers not only has a very simple menu, it has very simple décor. It’s your typical American small town diner: plain walls, booths, and a counter bench where you can eat and chat with Bob, Linda and the kids. While it is simple, it’s quite homey.

When it comes to ambience, you are bound to feel part of the family. Whether that’s a good or bad thing is up to you to decide. The children are always hanging around and ‘helping’ out, so if you’re not exactly kid friendly, maybe Bob’s Burgers isn’t for you, but eating there is likely to be a unique experience.

Score: 6/10 – Average décor is made up for by the eccentric family, if you like that sort of thing.

 

Criterion #4: Hygiene

Krusty Krab:

Overall, it would appear that the Krusty Krab is fairly hygienic. Spongebob likes to keep things clean and tidy.

However, there has been the odd occasion where certain health standards have slipped, like when Mr Krabs insisted that no other Krabby Patties be sold until an ancient patty that was found under the grill made its way into a customer’s stomach.

In spite of this, you are likely to leave the Krusty Krab as healthy as you entered it, except for that extra layer of cholesterol clogging your arteries.

Score: 8/10 – I’d feel safe eating there, most of the time.

Bob’s Burgers:

Bob’s Burgers seems to be fairly hygienic, and Bob seems to know what he’s doing. They’ve been closed down by the health inspector before, but that’s only because that weasley inspector is corrupt and has a thing for Linda. I would happily eat at Bob’s establishment any day.

Score: 9/10 – Hey, no place is ever perfectly hygienic.

FINAL SCORE:

So, it has come time for the final score. Through the skills I learned in level three stats I have successfully added up the scores from each of the four categories in order to determine which fictional cartoon restaurant is the best.

Drum roll please…(Seriously, do a drum roll in your mind. Thanks.)

Krusty Krab: 24/40
Bob’s Burgers: 28/40

Well what do you know, Bob’s Burgers has beaten out the prestigious Krusty Krab by four whole points.

I guess I know where I’ll be going to dinner, if I were a cartoon and all cartoons lived in this big cartoon world where everyone co-exists and lives happily together.

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